Where we are now ...

We got home here at about 8 pm. We were excited to be returning home (I was eager to see check on progress in the garden) but we both heaved a sigh of dread at returning to reality, with a different perspective. A friend of mine recently shared a comment that I liked. We make our return to reality and we start going again just like it's normal, but I feel like I should be able to wear a sign that says, My Dad Just Died. I know I will find my own personal way to wear a sign of sorts that allows me to honor his memory and keep him close to me.

Anyway, the point of this post is to share our thankfulness for amazing friends. We walked into our house expecting a healthy dose of reality - the kind that comes when you walk into a house full of the madness that comes when you quickly left a week ago.

But to my surprise, our house is spotless. Everything is in order, stacks are in place, the diapers that were in the dryer are stacked in a laundry basket, even the kitchen faucet is shinier than it's been since we viewed the house with our realtor! And the fridge is stocked with milk & eggs (my staple requirements for a happy morning), and the counter has bananas & avocados. The stairs are vacuumed. And there are enchiladas in the fridge.

To my dear friend or friends who helped with this project, THANK YOU. Thank you for knowing what I need to help be able to sit quietly and process. I am looking forward to a quiet and relaxed evening - and weekend - because of you.

And thank you to the Hagertys for your support in Boise. Thanks for helping to host a houseful of people and for protecting us from too many phone calls and dirty dishes.

We are so blessed. 'Nuff said.

My comments from the memorial service

For purpose of posterity, and for those of you who weren't able to attend the memorial service, here are the notes I used for my words honoring my dad.

Several months ago, when my son Graham was about 6 weeks old, and my parents were visiting, I walked into Graham’s room in the morning while he was still sleeping. I found my dad standing in his old familiar pajamas with a gleeful and slightly sheepish smile on his face. He was standing at the closet looking through the clothes hanging on the rod. “There are so many!” he said, “They’re so tiny and soon they’ll be too small!”

My dad loved to sneak into Graham’s room at the first sound he made, and I think he secretly hoped I wouldn’t hear Graham stirring over the baby monitor, so that he could pull him out of his crib, and snuggle with him. Later he loved to make him laugh … we have quite a few videos recording the antics my dad would employ to get a big smile / chortle or waving arms in response. I still have a gmail chat on record from a couple of days before he died, where he was checking on the progress Graham was making to the question, “where’s your nose.” We are still working on it with him, and we're hoping he'll soon stop pointing to his mouth.

I loved to watch my dad love my son. And I loved to watch my dad love me. I felt my dad’s love in so many ways. Even as recently as the last time we were in Boise, he would often hold my hand when we were walking together. He would ask me if I wanted to go for a walk or a run, and we’d hustle on down Mountain View … walking more slowly on the return, and he’d take my hand in his big paw and tell me how happy he was to be my dad, that I was doing a good job with Graham, and that we seemed to be in pretty good shape as a little family. I could count on him for an optimistic long-term outlook on current circumstances or the crises we faced as a nation or as the world. It never felt unmanageable when he explained it.

He had an incredible soft, big, full-faced smile, and I thrilled every time I saw it. I’ll miss his hands and that smile. … And his big eyebrows and his forehead and the way crumbs would hover in his mustache, but those are different stories. I’m going to miss my dad at Graham’s birthday party in a couple of weeks, and on Father’s Day; I’m going to miss him singing with my mom on my birthday next year, and I recognize that all the years to come will be incredibly different without him. I’ll miss the way he answers the phone (“Hello, hello!”), and the voicemails he leaves for us. I’ll miss hearing from Pat, “So, your dad called …” and chuckling about what funny things he called to share with us. I will always remember the love he shared with my mom, and still continue to set them up as an example of a longterm passionate relationship.

I ache. I miss all these things now, and I know the list will grow in the next few months. I don’t understand God’s timing or plan. I wanted so much more from my dad, for me and my brother, for my husband, for all of our children, and for my mom. I wanted a life full of memories and experiences and laughter and tears. I don’t understand the plan, but I know there is a plan. I don’t understand the circumstances or the brutality, but I’m working to forgive the situation which took my dad away. The rest of my life, while different and fully changed, will still be full of good things and new memories. While it’s not what I expected, I do know that God’s blessings will prevail, and although it’s hard to conceive now, I know the future will be better than it looks from my current perspective.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/IdahoStatesman/obituary.aspx?n=Thomas-Dale-Bettger&pid=127650089

Update

We're doing well. Today it rained a light rain, enough to wet the ground and raise up a strong smell of healthy rain. That really helped me feel good. I had a much better morning just because it started off cool and smelled so amazing. We went to church as a family, with my dad's brother Dan, wife Shelly and the two of their four kids who were able to make it into town. It was hard, as we kind of expected, but good because we knew there isn't anywhere my mom would rather be on a Sunday morning.

Our friends the Hagertys are here with us. We're so thankful for their support! Nicole is doing a lot of the dish-washing and slicking up, setting out food for the group and making sure all of us are eating and drinking. Not to mention the occasional gut checks and reminding us to find time to step away from all the activity and find time to be quiet and process through things.

My dad's middle brother, Ken, came in tonight with his wife Pam and their three kids. They used to live here in Boise. Tonight was hard having everyone together and realizing that Dad wasn't going to walk around the corner to join in the reunion. I actually needed to leave the house for a while to process again the fact that things are going to be very different for us going forward.

Tomorrow we're all having dinner with Pastor Bruce at my Uncle Ric's house (my mom's brother), to reminisce together and talk about the service. I'm looking forward to that.

I am so thankful for the time that my Dad had with Graham.

Hard News

I am typing with heavy hands and afraid to say hard words that are only too true. My dad was killed last night as he was riding his bike to Home Depot to run an errand. I feel like I'm exaggerating, except that there's no exaggeration. My dad died. My dad died.

I am finding peace at moments, and aching deeply at so many others. Please pray for us. Pray for Pat, pray for Graham, and pray for me. We are here in Boise, and we are glad to be with family.

See these photos of my dad on my brother's blog: http://neckbeard.wordpress.com/. Also, you can find a news report from our local station on this website (http://www.2news.tv/news/local/45882772.html - right now it's on their home page at www.2news.tv). It has a pretty incredible picture of my dad biking many years ago. I couldn't believe it was him.

We love him so much! And I am so thankful for all the days and years we had ... and I don't know what else to say right now.

thank you,

What's going on ...

We have a house full of family this weekend. Grandmother & Granddad (Bettger) and Grandma and Grandpa (Rank) are here, as is Uncle Andrew, and Cousin Greg will be showing up soon.

Graham is getting dedicated at church on Sunday. Dedication is the time when we commit before our church family that we plan to do our best to raise Graham in a godly manner, and the church prays together for us and Graham, and they also have the opportunity to agree to help us raise Graham and be a part of his life as he grows to know Jesus as his personal Lord. I am really looking forward to this, and I am so pleased that so many family will be here to be a part of the day and the prayers involved. And how special that it's also MOTHER'S DAY!

Yesterday we went down to Picture People in Clackamas and had pictures of Graham with all of us, with both sets of Grandparents, and one each of Graham with me and my Mom and with Pat and Laura. They all look great. A special Mother's Day gift.

We're having a great time, everyone fits into the house, and we're eating well! This morning I made a great Monte Cristo Bread Pudding, and Laura is going to make us brats today ... boiled in beer & onions just like her son-in-law Jode makes them ... we've had them before and they are SO GOOD!

Here are some pictures to whet your possible appetite for more.


Graham had an accident crawling off the bed. His nose was pretty tender for a while; unfortunately he had a cold complete with thick excretions for a while ... made for some intense crying sessions and feeling bad on our part.

We got a new baby pack, and Pat is already putting it to use taking Graham along on walks to the park to run Lazslow. As you can see, Graham enjoys it!

Lazslow and Graham both enjoy crawling through this little tunnel on their circuits around the house.

No comment, except to say, isn't this the classic baby moment!?

With all the sun we had a couple weekends ago, we decided to protect Graham's eyes ... they worked for about 3 minutes, until we noticed how his eyeballs weren't really appreciating his long eyelashes!

The next three are from Easter weekend. We had lunch/dinner with Andy's girlfriend Lauren's family in Portland. Grandma Rank had sent us an Easter necktie for Graham, and Pat and I figured as long as Graham was getting dressed up, we should doll ourselves up! We had a great time.