My heart HURTS
And I am SAD
And that is OKAY.
It is OKAY, it's even healthy, for me to be SAD.
And I am SAD
And that is OKAY.
It is OKAY, it's even healthy, for me to be SAD.
I've had several conversations recently that remind me that even as time goes on, my feeling of loss will remain. And while I may not always be as sad as I am now, I will always miss my dad and think of things he would enjoy or appreciate. This has been important for me to hear. I had been seeking closure, when really, I think this process is very open-ended. It may be that I will miss him until my own dying day. And that is OKAY, and even good.
But in this time, for the forseeable future, I can be sad - I need to be sad. I need to remind myself that this is acceptable and normal, and healthy. It doesn't mean I won't laugh, and it doesn't mean I won't appreciate blue skies, making Graham laugh, and sunny days at the beach. It just means that it's okay to tear up every now and then, or to feel a big sigh come on out of the blue. That's okay.
We have seen so many evidences of God's grace in all of this. Grace as in undeserved favor, or in my context, unanticipated blessing. Or unanticipated goodness. My mom is keeping a list, and she has told me that it's healing for her. I started my own, and I'm finding I add to it daily. We can see that God has prepared us for this; we can see blessings that have made this easier to handle, easier to move forward and through this season. But at the same time that this is comforting, it's also confusing. It's easy to ask "why this way," and "why my dad?" But again, God's grace is bigger, and I really feel his arms holding me. Every day. And I am thankful that I am loved - by a God who exceeds all my comprehensions.
Yesterday my brother Andrew shared this passage with me; one that has had special meaning for him lately (emphasis mine): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean NOT on YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS." Prov. 3:5-6.
Thanks for your love and prayers. Just in case you're wondering what Graham is up to, here are a couple of pics. The first is of him with his little buddy at school.
2 comments:
Molly,
You have hit the proverbial nail right on the head. I am feeling the same way about your dad, my brother. I hope I never stop tearing up. I want to remember the godly man he was and all the things he did to bless others. Personally, I still tear up at some memories of my own dad and that, too, is OK even though it has been 28 years. Father's Days are particularly hard....especially listening to Focus on the Family when they have listeners call in with special thoughts about their fathers. I finally had to stop listening to it. Just remember all the ways your dad influenced your husband and son and see him being reflected in them.
I love you, my niece. I'm praying for you, too. Keep posting those precious pictures!!
Aunt Cheryl
I still think of you so often and remember you in my prayers. Hugs … Diane Olmsted
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