Recent videos ...

There is a post with an update for today below this, in case you're wondering what we're up to. Here's a post with a few videos for your enjoyment. The first two are pretty quick to watch. The last two are longer ... some of Graham's crib antics from Tuesday - he probably spent a full 20 minutes hanging out and learning new skills in his little den!

So what have we been up to?

The big occasion we recently celebrated was ... Graham's ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY!! Incredible. We had a great time. I had been a bit apprehensive about whether or not I would really enjoy the party and have fun. Honestly, I wish I could keep Graham right where he is right now. He is such a pleasure and a joy to be with. But I remember several times over the past year where I had the same thought and emotion ... and look at him now! If he'd stopped growing up at 6 months, where would we be now?

While we kept the party small, we had a good mix of friends - old friends, friends from the neighborhood, from church, and from daycare. All the kiddos seemed to have fun decorating our little car-shaped cakes, and some of the adults joined in the fun too. We all enjoyed Graham's antics as he enjoyed his cake. It was pretty sweet. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures on my camera, so I am depending on friends and my mom to send me pics to update the blog! I'm sorry about that- I know how much fun first birthday pics can be!!

We think Graham is getting close to walking. We're not rushing him, I'm content to let him crawl as long as he wants to - he'll learn to walk sooner rather than later :) I haven't yet seen a High School graduate crawling across the stage on hands and knees. We're going to Idaho this weekend - maybe it will happen while we're there. That would be fun for Mom, and for Uncle Dan and Aunt Shelly, who will be there too. In fact, my cousin Brittany will be there too, and I still remember standing her up by the TV in their family room, and walking across the room to the couch where I would coax her to walk across the room. What a passage of time. Amazing.

We still miss my dad. With my mom here last weekend, it was impossible not to think of him. And it was good to feel those feelings. When my mom and I were heading home from some errand or outing, I felt myself thinking, "I wonder what Dad's doing," or "I wonder what he'll think of our outing," or "I can't wait to tell him ..." anticipating the sound of his laugh or what he would say. And I hope that continues. Again, I welcome those feelings. I try not to talk myself out of having them.

On another front, our garden is doing really well. We planted lettuce this year, and it has been so wonderful to have, and so satisfying to watch. We supplement with what we get from our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture, we're a member of Purple Rain Vineyards http://www.purplerainvineyard.com/), and we're enjoying amazing produce. I can't wait for our brussels sprouts and fava beans ... and pole beans, and tomatoes ... wowowow. We've already enjoyed a plethora of strawberries and cherries - We have picked more than 16 pints of cherries from our tree; thanks to a net that Pat worked hard to pull over the tree so we wouldn't have to watch the birds slowly eat the cherries right as they turned red!

Here are some pics for you ...

This is us in Boise with my Great Uncle Walter, Graham's Great-Great Uncle. He is my Dad's uncle, and he was very special to my dad, and he's special to us too.

I just made this sign to go on my office wall:

My heart HURTS
And I am SAD
And that is OKAY.
It is OKAY, it's even healthy, for me to be SAD.

I've had several conversations recently that remind me that even as time goes on, my feeling of loss will remain. And while I may not always be as sad as I am now, I will always miss my dad and think of things he would enjoy or appreciate. This has been important for me to hear. I had been seeking closure, when really, I think this process is very open-ended. It may be that I will miss him until my own dying day. And that is OKAY, and even good.

But in this time, for the forseeable future, I can be sad - I need to be sad. I need to remind myself that this is acceptable and normal, and healthy. It doesn't mean I won't laugh, and it doesn't mean I won't appreciate blue skies, making Graham laugh, and sunny days at the beach. It just means that it's okay to tear up every now and then, or to feel a big sigh come on out of the blue. That's okay.

We have seen so many evidences of God's grace in all of this. Grace as in undeserved favor, or in my context, unanticipated blessing. Or unanticipated goodness. My mom is keeping a list, and she has told me that it's healing for her. I started my own, and I'm finding I add to it daily. We can see that God has prepared us for this; we can see blessings that have made this easier to handle, easier to move forward and through this season. But at the same time that this is comforting, it's also confusing. It's easy to ask "why this way," and "why my dad?" But again, God's grace is bigger, and I really feel his arms holding me. Every day. And I am thankful that I am loved - by a God who exceeds all my comprehensions.

Yesterday my brother Andrew shared this passage with me; one that has had special meaning for him lately (emphasis mine): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean NOT on YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS." Prov. 3:5-6.

Thanks for your love and prayers. Just in case you're wondering what Graham is up to, here are a couple of pics. The first is of him with his little buddy at school.